A Future Without Me

I did it. I did it? I DID IT?! I DID IT!!!! I just passed the oral defense of my dissertation proposal! I can’t believe it! If you’re not familiar with the process (which I wasn’t until a few years ago), here’s how it works. A doctoral student, (in this case, me), learns everything possible there is to learn about a subject, comes up with questions about the topic that, up until now, have remained unanswered, and then the doctoral student comes up with a project that will answer one or more of those questions. Make sense? (Yeah, I don’t get it either)

You can only imagine the things that were going through my head as I embarked on a journey that I didn’t quite understand. These thoughts included, but are not limited to:

1. How is it possible that I made it to this point in the program without having learned anything?
2. Is it possible that I’ve gotten dumber?!
3. What would REALLY happen if I packed up my car and me and my puppy ran away forever?
4. Who do I think I am?! I’m not smart enough to do this!

I don’t know if you can tell, but the underlying all of those thoughts is my worst enemy, anxiety. I can safely say that I’ve spent the better part of the last month afraid. Like hiding under the covers afraid. I prayed and asked others to pray for me, but my fear seemed to consume me most of the time.

Until one day, earlier this week when I found a devotional book that I had long been ignoring: Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young. I opened it up and on that very day, the topic was anxiety. The very first sentence blew me away (meant to be read as if Jesus were speaking): “Anxiety is a result of envisioning a future without me.”

I know that Jesus wanted me to find that devotional on that particular day to read that particular sentence. That experience is nothing short of a miracle for me. I wish I could say, I never felt afraid again, but I did. But each time anxiety came over me, I’d remember to think of Jesus being at my side, carrying me through whatever situation was scaring me. I thank God for speaking to me so clearly!

“When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you.” (Psalm 56:3, NLT).

Note: In writing this, I want to make sure that I’m very clear about the nature of anxiety. For some people, it’s a very real, debilitating disorder that can’t be cured by reading a random sentence in a long lost devotional book. If you are one of those people, please seek out help. Jesus made therapists too, you know.

Jael Amador writes from New York, New York

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